Ann's Story*
(as told to Dianne Kelly)
Ann emigrated to the United States with a university degree, a background in business and a nearly complete fluency in English. In her position with a major U.S. company, Ann was a frequent point of contact for American businesspeople. It was no surprise when Ann met her future husband while he was working as an American contractor in her country. They fell in love, married and moved to the states.
Then, things changed. Ann found herself the recipient of disparaging remarks, put downs about her heritage and jokes in slang designed to go over her head. Growing up, Ann had followed the custom of kissing the cheek of a friend in parting. But now her husband laughed at her and said, "If you do that in America, they'll call you a slut." Ann knew enough of the language to be offended.
Her husband also became possessive. Before she was married, Ann had gone out regularly with her girlfriends at the end of the week. Now, not only was she in a new country but she also had no friends and no work. There was no going out. In fact, her husband made it clear that he thought he owned her. Once, when Ann was not interested in sex, her husband walked into the bathroom, grabbed crotch and said, "I own this now. Just remember: I brought you here, and I can send you back."
Soon, Ann became pregnant. Her pregnancy was a difficult one, and she was sick much of the time. Her husband seemed oblivious to her suffering, and insisted she cook for him even when the smell of food made her physically ill. She was rewarded, however, with a healthy, although premature, baby girl.
Then her isolation became complete. With phone calls home difficult to make, a new baby to care for and a husband who was out late most nights, Ann was alone. The more isolated she was, the more frustrated she became with her husband.
Ann persevered. She did what was expected of her; she cooked and cleaned and stayed home. But she also straightened out the finances, and, after a few years, was able to convince her husband to buy a house in a better neighborhood. She also made sure her name was on the deed. But when Ann decided to go back to work, her life changed again.
Ann's husband had never been physically violent. The worst thing Ann had experienced with him had happened just before their wedding. They had been at a swimming pool with friends. Ann sat on the edge, sliding her legs through the water. She'd said something, and his response was to shove her in the pool. He joked and acted like hed done it in fun, but Ann had sensed an undercurrent of hostility. She didnt know that this isolated incident heralded a future of violence.
Ann was unprepared for her husbands reaction to her return to work.
He began following her, showing up at her job unannounced. Ann would talk to him in the parking lot behind the office, hoping her co-workers couldnt hear his yelling. Then he became obsessed with the idea that Ann was dating one of her co-workers. She wasn't, but he wouldnt believer her and continued to holler accusations at her both at work and at home. After a few months of harassment, he realized that Ann was not going to quit working. So he escalated his efforts, once showing up at her job in a rental car. Having gained the support of her co-workers, and suspecting there was nothing wrong with his truck, Ann went out to confront him again.
This time, things were different. Ann sensed his desperation at his loss of control of her. As he raved about her job, her "abandonment" of her daughter (to go to work) and his belief that she was dating someone at work, she determined that this was it: No matter what, she would not tolerate his behavior any more. Later, she confided to a friend that she hadnt heard most of what her husband had been yelling. She was, she said, "terrified that he had his Uzi in the trunk." Shed known he had the gun, but she never knew if he had it with him that day.
Even so, Ann never called the police, insisting that in her country, "getting in the middle of a husband and wife" is not what they do. Ann believed that once she obtained a divorce he would leave her alone. She didnt call her husband abusive.
Ann moved out and filed for divorce. She negotiated with her husband for time with her daughter. Things seemed to be calming down. One day Ann went to pick up her daughter and her husband came out on the porch alone. He insisted Ann come inside to talk. When she refused, he told her she wouldn't see her daughter until she came in. Instead of calling the police, Ann called her lawyer. As she relayed the situation to her lawyer, her husband grabbed her arm and began to pull her into the house. Ann screamed and he replied, "Get inside, you Bitch!" and flung her in the door. He pushed her back on to the couch next to her five-year old. She stood up and he swore and pushed her down again. Then he grabbed her cell phone and flung it against the wall.
Ann's lawyer later filed a statement with the court as to what he'd heard on the other end of the phone, even though this required her to find another lawyer. Her daughter later told police that Daddy pushed Mommy onto the couch, but that "it was okay because the couch was soft."
Ann managed to get out of the house that day. She ushered her daughter into her car and started to pull out of the driveway. Her husband followed her, reached through the open window and turned off the ignition. She started the car again, pushed his arm out of the way and drove off. But that wasn't the end of it. Her husband called the police and claimed that she assaulted him. The police contacted her, and, after her interview, one of the officers said, "Even though I believe you, and your daughter corroborates your story, I have to take you in. He has a witness."
Ann was arrested. She spent the night in jail, and her husband took their daughter.
Then he contacted the department of social services, and Ann was scrutinized by them. Months went by before Ann was allowed to see her daughter. Ann was also court-mandated to attended anger management classes, where she met other women whose children had been taken from them in the same way.
Today, Ann shares joint custody of her daughter. Her ex-husband has a new wife. Even though he has stopped harassing Ann, Anns daughter has also been traumatized. Her father never struck her, but her life will always be marked by the violence she experienced.
* Ann's name has been changed.
Comment on Ann's story.