What You Need to Know
The most important thing to understand about psychological abuse is that it is a campaign. It is an ongoing attempt by one person to gain control over another. Yelling by itself is not abuse. Everyone argues. Everyone yells. Abuse is a pattern, with predictable cycles and phases.
Psychological abuse is difficult to see. It isn't always obvious to her (or the people who love her) that she's being abused. It's the old 'you can't see the forest for the trees' concept. Each tree is not a forest, but many trees together may indeed form a forest. So you must determine if there is a pattern. And once you see the pattern, maybe she will too.
The most important thing you can do is to listen to her. It may be tempting to run to her with facts and statistics and declare, "You are being abused! You need to leave!" But you must stop and think first. Ask yourself: Does she see the pattern? Does she know it's abuse?
She may need a sympathetic, non-judgmental ear for a while. She may need a 'safe place' to process her thoughts and hear herself talk. If you can provide this for her, great. If not, don't try. The worst thing you can do is alienate her with a judgmental comment, or reinforce her self-doubt by brushing her off.
To better understand the world she lives in, read the survivor's stories, the Frequently Asked Questions page, and the page for victims. Then, follow the links on the left. The investment will be worth it: You'll be prepared to talk with her and will know how to help when the time comes.
For more, read the book Family and Friends' Guide to Domestic Violence: How to Listen, Talk and Take Action When Someone You Care About is Being Abused by Elaine Weiss, Ed. D
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